Thursday, December 17, 2015

160 Days.

How has so much time passed; yet it feels like yesterday you were here?  And many times, it feels like a lifetime has passed since you left me. I find my mind wandering to your last moments, and wondering what were you thinking at that exact moment? Did you pause? Hesitate? Or was it another of your intensely impulsive actions that was over more quickly than it began? I can't help but wonder what might have been if that weapon had not been there; loaded and readily accessible. I can't help but wonder if that moment might have just passed, and you would have moved on from it like you had other times.

I can't help but place some blame on the person who made that weapon available to you, even though she knew about your moods and behavior. Due to legal circumstances, she was not allowed to own or possess firearms or ammunition. Yet, she had both. And somehow, after multiple investigations, she is not going to be held to any type of responsibility, and you were just "another kid" who killed himself. No one really seems to care that your life is over, and she still has her life. She had 83 days of you. I had 8262. She had no idea who you really were. And now…..

She gets to live.
She gets to breathe.
She gets to grow old.
She gets to keep going.
She gets to make music.
She gets to have memories.

You do not.
You are quiet.
You are still forever.
You are now dust in a box. 

I try to keep my contempt towards her under control, but some days it is very, very difficult.

Those are mine to explore. 

But one thing that no one can take from me are the memories I have of you.
The precious videos, pictures and mementos.
As you walk away from me forever.
Those things belong to me.

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