Never in my life did I think I would utter these words; I'm finding very little joy in Christmas. I've had a nasty viral infection which isn't helping, but my emotions have caught me off guard. Our home looks beautiful; it is filled with love, light, music and tradition. However, my heart just aches with grief, loss and emptiness. Just going through the motions. Music sounds different. Food tastes bland. Colors are a little dim. I am sure this is a normal part of grief.
I know life will never be the same, and I know so many others have and are experiencing far worse loss than me; a dear friend just marking the 5th year since losing her daughter in a terrible tragedy, a young couple with toddler twins who suddenly lost their other child to an unexpected and rapid illness, there are countless children struggling with cancer, a family still searching for their daughter missing for 10 years in Aruba, presumed dead but no closure for them, 20 innocent children killed in the safety of their school three years ago will never celebrate anything again, and recently so much violence in the news. It's all so unspeakable.
But I miss MY son. I want MY son here. I ache for ONE more memory to make with him. To have him near me, where it matters. Right now, I have so many wonderful things and amazing people in my life, but it's so difficult to feel anything but sorrow. I hope to regain some of my love for the season again.
It's the most wonderful time of the year. Star of wonder, star of light. Where is my bright light? It has been extinguished for all time.
Maybe next year...maybe not.