Today marks six months since he left us. I can hardly believe it, and it is still very difficult to wrap my head around his death. I miss him more than I could have ever imagined, and the pain is still very raw. More raw that I thought it would still be. I remember those bleak first few days that are now a blur, and almost feel I was more numb then, and feel more pain now. It is hard to imagine that he is really gone for the rest of my life. The rest of my life! I am so grateful to all of my friends and family who have been an amazing support for these past few months; without each of you, I do not know how I could have managed through this nightmare.
On Christmas Day, I was sleeping after work, and all of the sudden, I was woken from a deep sleep, absolutely certain a hummingbird was in my bedroom. I heard it's wings, I sat up in bed and felt and heard it fly right in front of my face. I immediately got up, turned on the lights and started looking for a little lost bird in my bedroom. Mark heard the sounds coming from the bedroom, and came in to check on me. I told him there was a hummingbird stuck in the bedroom, and I was frantic to find it, crying and really upset. He calmed me down, we looked for the bird, and he gently explained to me there was no way a hummingbird was in our bedroom in December. He said, "Joshua probably came to you in a dream, and you woke up in the middle of it. He was just saying Merry Christmas". I went back to sleep with the most peaceful feeling I've had in a while.
I still long to see him, feel him and hear him. I dream about him quite often still; sometimes the dreams are good and sometimes they are very upsetting. I guess it's all part of processing and finding that new normal I keep telling myself is developing.
Still, I want him to show himself to me. I wish for it almost every moment of every day.