Sometimes, waiting is so difficult. We are in Taos today; waiting to retrieve Joshua's personal belongings. My gut has been wrenched with anxiety all day. Part of me wants it to be "time", and part of me wants the clock to slow down. I want his things in my hands, but I'm so afraid that once all of my tasks are completed, I will forget some of this pain. The pain helps me realize this is real. This did happen. He is gone. And, looking back on the years that have passed by so quickly, I long to have it to do over again. Not that I could ever change what has happened; but that I'd like to experience him one more time.