A New Year.

As I look back on 2015, I have to admit most of the good things are washed away with the memory of what we have lost. Stumbling through the days following Joshua's death; the calls to the sheriff, the calls to the medical examiner, authorizing his body to be transferred to a funeral home, seeing him for the last time, collecting his belongings from Taos, picking up his ashes, picking up his death certificates and reading his autopsy report. Those are the things that I so keenly remember. As the end draws to a close, my hope is that I am able to recapture some of the joy I have always had for life; don't get me wrong, I do still feel joy in many, many things. But, it is different now, and I think, 174 days later, I am finding my new normal. The year 2016 brings many wonderful things to look forward to, so I will begin to refocus my energy on the good, and hope that it continues to bring me healing. For now, I will share a poem I wrote.

Now That He is Gone

I can cry because he is gone,
Or I can smile because of the life he lived.

I can close my eyes and hope he will come back,

Or I can open my eyes to see the beauty he left behind.

My heart can feel empty because I can’t see him,

Or I can be full of the times I feel him around me.

I can turn away from my future,

Or I can live on and honor his memory.

I can wish for yesterdays,

Or I can look forward to tomorrow.

I can remember only that he is not here,

Or I can cherish each day I had with him.

I can close my mind to new things, and turn my back on what’s next,

Or I can live on, smile about him and keep my eyes wide open as I walk into my future.


I choose to remember. I choose to walk forward. And, I have to teach my heart that my walking forward is not leaving him behind.

Peace and Love for 2016

 

Christmastime is here.

Never in my life did I think I would utter these words; I'm finding very little joy in Christmas. I've had a nasty viral infection which isn't helping, but my emotions have caught me off guard. Our home looks beautiful; it is filled with love, light, music and tradition. However, my heart just aches with grief, loss and emptiness. Just going through the motions. Music sounds different. Food tastes bland. Colors are a little dim. I am sure this is a normal part of grief.

I know life will never be the same, and I know so many others have and are experiencing far worse loss than me; a dear friend just marking the 5th year since losing her daughter in a terrible tragedy, a young couple with toddler twins who suddenly lost their other child to an unexpected and rapid illness, there are countless children struggling with cancer, a family still searching for their daughter missing for 10 years in Aruba, presumed dead but no closure for them, 20 innocent children killed in the safety of their school three years ago will never celebrate anything again, and recently so much violence in the news. It's all so unspeakable.

But I miss MY son. I want MY son here. I ache for ONE more memory to make with him. To have him near me, where it matters. Right now, I have so many wonderful things and amazing people in my life, but it's so difficult to feel anything but sorrow. I hope to regain some of my love for the season again.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Star of wonder, star of light. Where is my bright light? It has been extinguished for all time.

Maybe next year...maybe not.

160 Days.

How has so much time passed; yet it feels like yesterday you were here?  And many times, it feels like a lifetime has passed since you left me. I find my mind wandering to your last moments, and wondering what were you thinking at that exact moment? Did you pause? Hesitate? Or was it another of your intensely impulsive actions that was over more quickly than it began? I can't help but wonder what might have been if that weapon had not been there; loaded and readily accessible. I can't help but wonder if that moment might have just passed, and you would have moved on from it like you had other times.

I can't help but place some blame on the person who made that weapon available to you, even though she knew about your moods and behavior. Due to legal circumstances, she was not allowed to own or possess firearms or ammunition. Yet, she had both. And somehow, after multiple investigations, she is not going to be held to any type of responsibility, and you were just "another kid" who killed himself. No one really seems to care that your life is over, and she still has her life. She had 83 days of you. I had 8262. She had no idea who you really were. And now…..

She gets to live.

She gets to breathe.

She gets to grow old.

She gets to keep going.

She gets to make music.

She gets to have memories.

You do not.

You are quiet.

You are still forever.

You are now dust in a box. 

I try to keep my contempt towards her under control, but some days it is very, very difficult.

Pain.

Grief.

Anger.

Sadness.

Emptiness.

Disappointment.

Those are mine to explore. 

But one thing that no one can take from me are the memories I have of you.

The precious videos, pictures and mementos.

As you walk away from me forever.

Those things belong to me.

Always.