A new beginning?

Your sister gave birth tonight. You have a nephew. You are an uncle. You would have loved this so much. He is precious. He is light. He is life. He is new.

You are missing so much, and so are we……

One Year

How odd it is to know a full calendar year has passed, and we are unable to see you, speak to you or touch you. So much has changed. Samantha got a new puppy. Chelsea is having a baby. I am graduating from nurse practitioner school. Jacob no longer has a brother. Time is moving forward, but it moves almost at a snails pace when we think of the time without you. It's so strange to see our lives move ahead, and new things happen, but you are not here to share them.

Sometimes, I have to look at the pictures of your face from after your death to make myself believe it is real. You are missed in this world Joshua.

A lifetime.

A lifetime ago; he was still growing inside me, 9 months gestation, with a few days to go. I could feel him kick, twist and turn, as he ran out of space. It gave me joy.

A lifetime ago; he was still a little 9-month old baby. I could watch him smile, change and laugh, as  he grew. It gave me joy.

A lifetime ago; he was alive and as happy as I've seen him in a long time. I could hear him sing, watch him with his friends and see him play music, as he became his own person. It gave me joy.

Nine months; feels like a lifetime ago. But it's not long at all. It's funny how a pregnancy seems to go on forever, and infancy flies by, except for the nights when you wish they would sleep through. Now nine months after his death, it feels like yesterday, and it also feels like it was a lifetime ago. Grief has it's own clock.

I cry.
I ache.
I wish.
I hope.
I think.
I grieve.
I dream.
I wonder.
I struggle.

I live.
I move forward.
Time waits for no one.

Winter into spring.

My Season of Grief – Winter moves into Spring…flowers are on the trees.

Winter was my mood; my grief.

Frozen in time, dormant, but not dead.

Early darkness slipping into night.

A blanket of snow that smothers the life and light.

I found comfort in not having to turn to the sun, showing my face to its warmth.

The spring came upon me unexpectedly.

Warm winds blowing.

Flowers beginning to bloom as life marches forward.

I am not ready, but Spring will not wait.

I am not ready. I am not ready to step into the light of day.

The warm sun on my face.

The change of seasons that closes the dark winter around me.

The winter that brought me comfort.

Is it possible to move from my frozen place?

Am I ready to have my life move forward?

I am not healed. I will never be healed.

But, my heart honors my grief by stepping back into the light.

Moving forward into the sun; growing again.

I am not ready. Yet I feel my heart thawing in the warmth of Spring.

The sky is still overcast. But there are flowers on the trees.

Handsome ghost.

How could we ever forget you Joshua?

7 months.

Seven months "Without You". Who would ever know the irony of this photograph Joshua made a few years ago.

18,576,000 seconds
309,600 minutes
5160 hours

Without you.

Even though I am profoundly sad, this picture makes me laugh and smile as his remarkable personality shines through.

200 Days.

4800 hours

288,000 minutes

17,280,000 seconds