The Milk Carton Kids - Michigan

"What am I supposed to do now...without you...without you?"

Missing you so much Joshua. Come to me in my dreams...please. You are so far away now.

Life. Alive. Live.

As grief continues to consume my soul, a sweet picture was sent to me yesterday that softened the pain. It fed my soul and filled an empty spot for a while. 

Joshua's Taos garden is beginning it's harvest. These are his tomatoes. Brimming with energy. They represent life to me. A tender bloom. Warmed by the sun. Fed by the earth. Filled with color. They are so alive. I think they are magnificent.

Birds on a wire.

Funny how small things can mean BIG things in your heart. These little birds sitting by the feeder at sunset....they make me happy. Can you hear me, Joshua....

Gifts.

I have received so many gifts...and I am sorry I am so behind on my thank-you cards. That aside, I wanted to share something very special that was sent to me. I have been friends with so many of you, for so many years, and Debbie is one of my oldest friends. We met in 11th grade, at a party, and we have been friends ever since. Weddings, babies, funerals...you name it. Debbie has become quite an artist over the past few years, and she made this memorial sketch for me. It is Joshua, and me in mirror image (my interpretation is I am standing in front of him, looking at his soul), a guitar, and the C scale, which represents early childhood learning of music. So many meanings in this piece. It, along with a hummingbird watercolor from a newer friend, Antoinette, and a canvas print from some friends I've known also for many years; they will create a memorial art wall for my Joshua.

Kindness.

I am constantly amazed all of the people I know, who have extended their sympathy over the past five weeks. People I've known for years, and people I've only recently met. Gratitude does not begin to express my feelings. But what leaves me almost overwhelmed with emotion are the complete strangers who have touched me over the last few weeks. I had to share this with everyone: 

I recently had to speak with customer service from my auto loan company to get a certain tax form. During the conversation, for some reason Joshua's death came up. The woman was so kind to me, and said she hoped I was doing okay. Well this morning, I received a surprise package from FTD, and inside was a lovely note, and a dozen beautiful roses from DeMetria, the woman who helped me. I am 100% sure this was done completely on her own, at her own expense. I am not sure I can ever find her to thank her, but it is just amazing to me how people make the kindest gestures. The world is a wonderful place filled with fabulous and caring people.

Love.

What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose,

For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

~Helen Keller

Scattered.

Half Moon Bay in California. Some of Joshua's ashes were placed here today by his dad and stepmom.

❤

They said whales began to surface off the shore, just after. I smile, as my heart breaks a little more.

There is light in unexpected places.

This is how it goes. Feeling so very low tonight, and just deciding to go to bed since nothing else feels right. My husband was double checking the locks, and he came into the bedroom and said, "you need to see something", so I follow him downstairs and out the patio door. A few days ago, an old friend from nursing school sent a gift, as so many of you have. I put this little solar hummingbird in my jasmine, and then spent the next few days at work, honestly forgetting this hummingbird ornament was there. What a welcome surprise tonight when I needed it the most; watching this adorable little bird light up and change colors brightened my day. I have not been successful in writing thank-you notes quite yet, but I want each of you to know your words, cards, generosity, gifts, hugs, and even thoughts from a distance have sustained me through this dark time.

Miss Me - Joshua's Version

3:25 - Yeah, some things don't turn out...like they should. So, do you miss me?

Numb.

Ugh why is EVERYTHING so hard?
Or sad?
Or blah?
Or mediocre?
Or upsetting?
Or depressing?

One month.

Seems like a lifetime since you left us. It's still so hard to wrap my heart around this. I miss you so much Joshua.